Blank Page

I was watching a movie that had a writer for the main character. I remember she was dealing with a case of writer's block.

She said, "I use to see a blank page as a piece of paper that was about to be filled with words, but now, all I see is just a blank page that is daring me to fill it with words. And, I'm failing."

I don't believe in writer's block, but I do believe in a blocked writer. That's what I think I am. When I'm not sitting in front of my computer, I have so many ideas, so many things I want to say and see through my words. When I get home, well, I see nothing but a blank page.

It's terrible.

We Fail because we have to

My best friend has hit a hard time; life isn't panning out the way he wants it to.

As friends, we have to be careful how we give advice. We have to prepared for our friends not to listen to us, and we have to be prepared for them to pick up on every word we say.

Either way, you tread carefully, and be careful with your words. You can change someone's life by what you say, and it may not be in a good light.

I talked about my own transgressions. I used my experiences with life as a focus point - to me this always helps - its good to know that you're not the only one who has crap in your world and you don't have a big enough cloth to clean it.

I know from stories, HEROS, are the biggest misconceptions. Yes, they are strong. Yes, they save the world. Yes, they have a power, a gift, and/or a curse that they have to decide to use for the greater good.

HEROS have the biggest fears. Out of all their strength, they are most afraid. My friend explained that he looked up to me. I explained that he shouldn't because he only saw my life from the outside. I may have things together from the outside, but my accomplishments to him may not be mine.

I am an ambitious person. I love to achieve and grasp and conquer my goals. Still, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of not reaching my goals, and I'm afraid to fail.

Failing isn't a bad thing; we need to do it. We have to remember that we are human, and we can be touched and scarred. It also makes our achievements much more sweeter and we will cherish what we do for ourselves.

If you are at the starting point of your writing career, which I am. You will not be able to see the big picture. You are only working towards a dream, an ghost of yourself successful. Fear is a friend we can't turn away.

We get out there in the world and we crash and burn. It's apart of life, it's apart of success, it's apart of living. In failing, we learn how to succeed. I explained that he has to believe that he can do this, that he can be happy.

He has to find comfort in the small wins - achieving small goals. It's like climbing a mountain. You can't keep looking up; you have to take one step, after one step and you'll be to the top.

Sooner or later, you will reach the top. 

The Start of a Story

I am extremely unsure of what story I want to write.

I'm so happy to be writing again that I'm almost giddy. It feels like a first kiss with the promise of love. It feels like a hug from someone you never thought you would see again, and it feels like just breathing.

See what I mean? I've gone back to useless prose that I've started writing once more. Putting words together and forming phrases, that, in my opinion, sounds beautiful: painting a picture with words is beautiful, when you don't have that anymore, or can't do it, well... there's no painting going on, so there's no picture.

Working with a purpose means a lot to a writer. At least, in my opinion it does. Knowing that I'm working on something that has a finish line feels like a saftey net: as if I have a desination that I will, sooner or later, arrive at.

Now, I'm just free writing. Moving from one story to another; one mind set to another. Its a bit scary because I don't want to stop writing or become frustrated with the process of free writing, or just become scared that I won't be able to pick out a story that I want to finish.

Yet, I'm overthinking it. I'm writer, I over think everything. I believe it cant be helped.

Setting goals has its good and bad. I look at it as if its a brick wall, and I have to lay the bricks down. With each brick set, the better the chances that i will end up with a great foundation and a darn good looking house. Free writing... there is no bricks, no goal, no end.

Deadlines can be intimitading but its a light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm writing again. That was a huge step. I'm not known for my patience, but I feel like I need to have them with this.

Here and Now

I'm teaching myself to write again.

I lost track of myself. No, that's not right, I overloaded myself.

I put too much on my plate, barreled through deadline after deadline. I finished each project, and was extremely proud of all of them, but I wore myself down.

It got to the point that I couldn't put two sentences together without my head hurting. It felt like writing was the last thing I wanted to do, because it required me to think and thinking was not what I wanted.

So I took a few months off. Figured, at least the first two weeks, that I had just let writing settle for a moment. It was no big deal. I knew that the moment I sat at my computer again that the words would just appear and i would be in another world, singing happily and writing blissfully.

Oh, I was wrong. I didn't leave writing, writing left me. I no longer had ideas - well, I had ideas, but not the urge to sit at my computer and crank them out. I was in the mist of writer's ambition blocked. I had no real driving force to crank a story out, and when I tried, I hated everything I did.

Now, I'm taking things slow. I learning how to write again. I have a novel I'm working on, but I haven't really touched it. I'm, more or less, doing free writing. I'm trying to feel out the world again through my own words - tipping my tippy toes into the pool.

I had never meant to crash like I had and simply disappear. I'm not ready to fully emerge again, but the drive is there. It's all coming back, little by little. I'm here, right here, right in the now.

That's a step, at least.

Where has the time gone?

Where have I been?

Life has needed my full attention. I have written a post about not having a car so I could pour money into my works. Well, I have a car. Got to the point where I had to have one.

Life is funny like that. Responsibilities are unavoidable. Some responsibilities come before sitting down to a computer to write.

I started a new book. I like where its going but it was too soon to do another project.

So I started going outside again. Went to a boat show. Made plans to go jet skiing. I remembered there's people out there to meet, laugh and get to know.

To write about life, you have to live it.

Back swimming against the current...

If you push a teacher into a classroom filled with students. What do you think that teacher will do?

He'll teach...

If you allow a quarterback into a huddle in the middle of the game, with all the fans screaming and roaring. What do you think will happen?

He'll grab the ball and play the game...

If you allow a comedian to walk on stage in front of an audience, what do you think will happen?

Well, he'll tell a joke.

The Moral of all this is, when you, a writer, sit down to a computer screen, you'll most likely start writing.

I have started another book. With it still in the beginning stages, I will reframe from revealing the name. The story still needs to take shape and the characters are still way undeveloped. Long story short, the book isn't alive and well just yet for me to talk about it.

I needed a break from writing. I needed a break from the deadlines, the pressure, the need to finish another project and release it. Sure, to be a known writer you have to write, but I want to be a good writer, I want to have good stories. Rushing a story, may be a sore spot for certain writers, especially an Indie Author.

You don't have an agent or a publishing company telling you when to release a book, or when they are ready to release your work. No, as an Indie Author, that is all up to you.

I will be the first to admit that I do not have a patient bone in my body, so when a book is done, I want it out into the world. Patients is the key. It can help and it can hurt.

It takes time, but every Indie Writer has to develop a sense to know when the work is done on a project and when it needs more time.

To start another book now has been hard for me. I want to be done with it. I have released 4 projects in the span of five months or maybe even faster. Of course, I'm already caculating in my head when I'll be able to release another project.

I needed a break from writing, a chance to get my mind together. But, as a writer, you can't stay away from the calling of a story for too long. When you've had several projects out that have been very good, and came out the way you wanted it to come out, it gets increasingly hard not to have a little fear that you may not reach that flow like you once did.

That maybe you've reached the peak with your writing. It's a fear, trust me. You would be appalled by the simple things we fear and why we fear it when it comes to our passion.

2013

Here it is, less than an hour for another new year. The first question anyone asks - even before they tell you to have a happy New Year, is do you have New Year Revelations?

The usual response may be to lose ten pounds. You know, fit into those jeans that's been sitting in your closet for years, and have been mocking you instead of motivating you.

Or it could be something along the lines of getting that promotion you've been working your butt off for.

The truth is, there are plenty of revelations out there - things you want to achieve, goals you want to make it to. I've had them, you've had them, everyone has had them.

I don't want to make revelations or predictions on what I want to achieve for the year of 2013. It's not just another year, like most will say when they shrug away your curious on what they plan to do with themselves for another twelve months.

I'm happy to be working in my art. Writing again, to be more exact. Yes, I touched on this in a facebook post, but here, on my blog, I would like to get more specific.

In truth, I barely remember 2011. I barely remember the beginning of 2012. I cannot say that I had a bad year in 2011 - I just don't remember it. I remember my college graduation and I remember not wanting to be there. I had the GRADUATION BLUES and it was like cramping with a cycle while you were in hundred degree weather and wearing white jeans.

A nasty metaphor, but I want you to understand the place I was in my head. I was having a huge moment, walking across the stage, recieving my B.A. with honors and I didn't want any part of the celebration.

One year, two years, more years if you're lucky. Time speeds up on you. I remember celebrating 1997, alone in my room and much has changed since then and now, but here I am, alone in my room, not really celebrating, but only preparing for the trails and tribulations of a goal I want to achieve. Back in 1997, I wanted to be an awesome athelete. I succeeded my goal and then some.

This year, I want to be an amazing Story Teller. These things take time. You have to build connections, meet people and be prepared to open your mind to them when you hand them a book. You will gain fans, or really thorough critics, or nothing. It's all by chance, but what never changes is the drive.

2012 was my coming back year. I have written several novels, none that I am a hundred percent proud of, all by a different name. I am not afraid to reveal a name to you and let you find my earlier works, but if you do not ask, I do not share it. That was the past, my starting point and I'm proud of that starting point to that extent.

KaNeshia Michelle is the name I go by. I have grown these last few years, jumped into my skin, shredded away the uncertainity and the fear of really putting yourself out there. It's the grind that makes you falter. The pool of Indie Writers are huge - I've met plenty that have been friendly and inspiring, but we are all at competes with each other. Sure, we enjoy the freedom of doing our own thing without a publishing company up our butts, telling us to change this and that, but nine out ten, if the oppurtunity presents itself we would sign a contract and deal with those head aches.

Any achiever simply wants breathing room and stability. You want to know that you are taken care of. We love what we do, but it's even better when we are compensated - financially - for the work. We are proud of our hard work, sweat and tears we put into our art with no money and only passion for what we do to keep moving, but we all want that one thing.

Stability and a peace of mind that what we work so hard to do won't be in vain. That we won't wake up twenty years later from this moment forward and still be in the same boat that we are today. We want to be remembered, liked and celebrated for our work. We want that fresh breath of air, the knowing that we are remembered.

It may sound bad, it may sound like I'm getting a head of myself, or you may simply don't agree. That's okay. I love every fan I have, even every pair of eyes that touches these pages, but I don't think I will make friends of everyone that knows my name. I simple can't befriend every person that tells me I'm good at what I do.

2013 is going to be a good year. I've learned from my mistakes, I've pulled myself out of a slump, I like who I am again and I have faith in who i will be.

That's why I hit such a deep dark part last year and 2011. I lost sight of myself. My dreams grew too big around me and everything i wanted out of life just seemed too far away. The fear overtook me.

Fear is part of life, part of the journey. You need to be scared at times, it may keep you pushing, keep you going, keep you grounded. It can destroy you too. It's part of life, we live it, we do our best and if we can be sorry for less and proud of more of what we became, then we are all winners.

KaNeshia Michelle 2012 - at least for the next thirty-six minutes.